Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
