I'm sorry my penis didn't work
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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