Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
