He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
