no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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