Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
