I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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