He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
stop calling my apartment porn island.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
