Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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