fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
