I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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