I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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