I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize