32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
