My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
