as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
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