my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
