just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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