you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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