Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize