I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
