someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize