Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
