guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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