I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I've blown a few things in my day
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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