i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wish i was in the wii world.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
