i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
