I heard we made out
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
