i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
