You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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