I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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