Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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