The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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