Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
