he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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