I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
