Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
