im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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