i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
as a side note pls kill me
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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