Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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