I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
