It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
