so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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