Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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