i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
