And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
