tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
