forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
