So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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