Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize