goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
