I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
