Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
