"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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