im drinking this country out of the recession.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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